I am afraid to love

-
Yes, I am afraid to love. This is a confession. A couple of years ago, I loved this girl from the bottom of my heart and with all the passion. The problem was she didn’t love me back. But still I thought that one day she would ultimately return to me. For several years, I was under the impression that I was in love with her and would do anything for her. Fuck, I wasted the most precious years of my life yearning for someone who wasn’t going to be mine. It wasn’t even her fault that she didn’t like me. It is how it is.

Still my heart would set itself on fire just by getting a glimpse of her. All of these years, there were not even a handful of moments when she remotely took interest in me. But being a loser that I were, I hadn’t given up hope on her. I was too mad for her. My friends told me to forget her or propose her. I said I will propose when the moment is opportune. For Christ’s sake what was I thinking? Where was my self-respect gone? I was hurting myself and wasting time on something worthless. I believed in the absurd ideology that you don’t turn back on the ones you love; you fight for them. Finally, after years of waiting, I proposed her even when she was in a relationship with someone else. So, I told her that I didn’t want to spoil her or my future and didn’t want anything from her. I just let her know that I loved her and would be there for her as a friend. Maybe that day itself was the point when I finally realized that she wasn’t worth my love. I still respect her and she will remain a good friend of mine.

I have never tried to open myself in front of anyone. My wildest fantasies or my aspirations and dreams are there in my heart. Maybe I thought she was the one to whom I would finally open; to whom I would convey my deepest thoughts and my biggest fears. They say “men are like turtles; once you crack the outer shell they become vulnerable”. Being on the cusp of manhood, it takes a lot to open up to someone. You open up only to those who you believe won’t judge you for your fears, dreams and aspirations.

I have moved on from the person who was not right for me. Maybe she deserves someone else. But along with that, it has brought scars which remain unscathed deep within me. My scars are enough to scare someone; my fantasies are enough to baffle someone; my thoughts are enough to bore someone; my fears are enough to swallow for someone.

So here I am afraid to love another human being the same way I did. Maybe all of it is my fault but who wants to get hurt in the process even if it’s your fault in the first place?   
  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The conversation part 1

-
I woke up in the morning at 5 because my bus was going to arrive from the highway at 7. I realized how badly I needed a break from my routine. Thus, I decided to go the hills with a bunch of few unknown people. This was going to be one hell of a trip. I reached the highway around 6:50 and saw some buses lined together on the side of the road. I loaded my bus and saw all of the people chirping and singing Bollywood songs. All of them looked my age. The fun was just going to be doubled. I saw a girl with her ear-phones on. She was sitting alone and staring out of the window. She looked in her mid-20s, her jawbone clearly visible from the side. I always had something for the square face and so, I can say I was instantly attracted to her. She wore a black t-shirt and leggings. I went towards her and asked “Excuse me?” to which she replied nothing. “Excuse me?” I said. She now took out her ear-phones. “Sorry?” she asked. “Is this seat reserved?” I asked rather stupidl...
Read more

Chance

-
“We don’t meet people by accident; they are meant to cross our paths for a reason.” In life, you meet a lot of people. Is there a reason behind meeting someone? Do we all meet by chance? What is destiny? These questions baffle me as much as anybody. I think we all ought to have an opinion on this. So, according to me, we meet people because of some reason. They say that if you have a positive attitude and you remain happy all the time and luck is favoring you these days then chances are you are going to meet your soulmate soon. It’s like as if the whole universe immerses itself in the process of amalgamation of two souls or acquaintances. Just think of it this way. You met a person on a train. She was all soaked in sweat. So, you lend her help. You get to know that she has missed her train because she got stuck in traffic. She had to take another one ultimately. What transpired all this? Was it all chance? I don’t think so. Another minute here or there and she probably wo...
Read more

A painful memory part 2

-
Read the first part of the story, here . ************************* My father had come home after a long day. “Honey, I’m home” my father said. My mother and I quickly gathered ourselves. My father made a presence after sometime in the kitchen. “What happened?” He asked to both of us. I replied “Nothing.” He smelt something fishy. He noticed something that my mom was hiding behind her back. “What’s that?” my father asked to her. “It’s nothing, Manish” my mother replied. He gradually went near her and extended his arm to see what she was hiding. He took the picture from her and stared at it for a while. “Honey, are you serious?” he asked her. “Yes, I told her the entire story” she replied. She couldn’t control her tears. “Beta, you got to understand…whatever she did she had a reason” my dad consoled me. “I know, dad. I know” I replied to him. I added “but I can’t even be...
Read more