The state of being happily single

Singlehood can be generally painstaking for a person who is constantly lectured by the society on the importance of coupledom. It can be depressing to see other people holding hands, whispering to each other, and enjoying the company of their other half while not being able to experience it themselves.

I see that many of my close friends have already been in a relationship earlier or are in one presently. I observe that many of these relationships happened because the parties involved were subconsciously afraid or terrified of being lonely. Even though, the couple were a terrible match, they decided to give it a shot because of their bodily needs and fear of ending up alone. Others were a great match but didn’t have the maturity required to sustain a relationship. A few others grew out of love or had external circumstances dictate terms.

While I am not saying that relationships formed during teenage and early adulthood don’t survive the test of time, but it is the society’s brainwashing of people surrounding love and relationships. We have been taught that there is nothing outside of love and that we can be truly happy only with a partner. Singlehood is almost exclusively described as a temporary state. We are told that the fundamental goal of the civilized society is to find a good job, get married and have kids. In essence, the society tell us all to get settled.

The idea of a family is certainly very important and traditional. It is the foundation on which our species exists and ensures survival. Even in other animals, we see organisms pairing and bonding with each other; raise offspring and ensure their survival. In humans, couples enjoy each other’s company and raise kids.

Few months ago, I came across the podcast of a famous Youtuber who made videos about problems pertaining to males and how men can be the best version of themselves. The guy in the video stated that “if you are a guy in your 20s and there is not much success with the opposite gender in terms of dating, then the best thing you can do is work on yourself”. I believe that regardless of doing well in your love lives, we all should put in the effort to improve ourselves. The problem is that most people don’t work on themselves though. Most single people think that they are going to end up alone and it is this fear which makes them seek other people out of desperation. The result is that they end up in unsatisfactory relationships.

This logic doesn’t only pertain to romantic attachments. Imagine you have a deadline of 5 days to finish a task at work. Now, just for the sake of impressing your senior and to seek validation, you complete the assignment on the very next day. At first your senior is impressed by your agility. However, soon he discovers the loopholes and tells you to correct them. He tells you to come back and resubmit it. Just because, you rushed the entire process, you didn’t get the desired result.

A similar thing happens while choosing a partner. Because we rush into relationships, we may end up in mediocre ones. The truth is that we don’t love ourselves enough. We don’t believe that we can be happy even with the presence of our special one. People who cannot remain single for a longer period have deep-rooted self-esteem issues. They can be very needy. Even during a relationship, they sub-consciously keep questioning their partner about their loyalty and integrity. They live in a constant fear that they will not be loved back. After some months or years, their worst nightmare is realized, indeed. Eventually, they learn the hard way that being in an unsatisfactory relationship is even worse than being single.

In the Hollywood movie “Good Will Hunting”, the main character Will Hunting was a child prodigy at Math. He was an orphan and worked as a janitor at a school. He had never gone out of his hometown Boston and stayed with his mediocre friends all of whom never challenged him enough. He stayed inside the comfort zone of his hometown and chilled on weekends. It was revealed later that his innate inability to challenge himself and push his boundaries was rooted to his childhood. He had been a victim of child abuse when his parents abandoned him. Thus, he never believed that he was capable enough to be loved. The only people he loved were his friends who offered him loyalty. He finally overcame his fear of abandonment and pushed himself out of his comfort zone when he found a woman who loved him.

When we overcome our negative feelings towards ourselves, we can be happy. When we are happy, we realize we don’t need someone else to make us happy. We don’t have to seek validation from our partners. We don’t have to feel loved all the time to be happy. It is only then we make sure that our partners are not the only things in our life that make us happy. It is indeed our perception of our partners that should make us truly and remarkably happy. Once we learn to love ourselves, anybody can love us.

Perhaps, our willingness to commit to longer periods of singlehood gives us the ability to attract great companions. Being happily single predicts how likely we are to give birth and sustain a relationship with a great partner.