Dealing with uncertainty

In my teenage, I was always fascinated with what I could acheive; the heights at which I could actually go. However, as I graduated, things slowly started to become real. I remember that after my graduation in 2019, I got my first job at a private firm in Surat which gave me a salary of 10,000 Rs per month. Additionally, if the salary was low, the work wasn't any easy or less. I worked 60 hours per week. On top of that, I didn't enjoy what I was working on. That was one of my first few reality checks of life (the first one obviously being the demise of my father in 2015).

I am 28 years old today and all through my young adulthood so far I have had to deal with uncertain times. It is not like I am the only one. But it is certainly during this period that I have realized that a lot of things we hoped for and wished for may not happen or may not happen in the way we want them to. During our childhood and teenage, we are presented with a simulated reality of the world, namely, school and university. If we make a mistake, we might get corrected or scolded by the teacher or professor. If we don't do well in exams, we have the chance to appear again. I am not saying that it is easy to navigate these stages, but they certainly look small in comparison to the real challenges of adulthood that lay ahead.

Adulthood presents us with a completely different set of challenges which definitely aren't unidimensional unlike school or university. Now we don't just need a career that is exciting and challenging, we need a job that pays the rent and brings food to the table. The punishment of failing or not doing well at your job is not limited to being corrected or scolded by the management, it could mean losing your job. Add to that, most of us also need to find a long term partner to settle down with. For that, a lot of pople start during university or earlier and some are able to find a partner who they can settle down with and some are not. For people who are not able to find someone, the opportunities mostly remain limited to online dating as dating in offices is discouraged due to strict HR policies and in modern times, there remain very less organic places to meet a potential partner.

If you thought that life is bidimensional in adulthood, then you are wrong because finding a partner and building a career are not just the two things. For fulfillment, humans also need to keep working on their mental and physical health and additionally, find time for socializing, traveling and keeping up with their hobbies. Now, I am not saying that all this cannot be achieved or managed together. My point is that all these things come with a lot of uncertainty. So many of my university batchmates are still struggling to find jobs. Some of them who have found a job are struggling with mediocre ones. Thankfully, after years of mediocre jobs, I was able to find a job and a career that I am well suited for and which also pays me well enough.

However, the other big dimension of my life has been far from certain. It has been 3 years since I and my ex-girlfriend parted ways on mutual terms. Several months after that, I finally started my search for a long term partner with the intention to settle down / get married. So, around 2.5 years into this journey, I have had to deal with sadness, anxiety, dashed hopes, future could-bes and a burnout from dating in general. I have gone several days to bed crying and feeling low because of my desperation for a human connection. There is a beautiful quote that I have heard recently saying that ''what we all want is a witness to our lives''. I still respect and honor companionship very deeply. It is part of the reason I still haven't lost hope and still want to keep looking.

We become more aware of things as we age. Peer pressure, biological timelines, pressure to succeed in career and relationships start becoming more relevant than before. We obviously have the choice to either feed our emotions and energy to it or choose to abstain from the mental chatter that comes with it. It is harder to deal with uncertainty than with grief. Grief gives you a form and a support system for people to rely on.

However, uncertainty doesn't have a definite form and society and life don't have a one-size-fits-all solution for it. Imagine that if God told me that in the year 2027, I will find my long term partner who I will get married to. It suddenly becomes easier to wait when you know how long you must wait. However, life doesn't work predictably and thus, depending on the circumstances, people need to formulate their own strategy around uncertain times.

Here are some of the strategies I am trying to work with while dealing with uncertainty around dating, relationships and life, in general.

1) Whenever I feel anxious, agitated or wanting to control the uncontrollables, I try to shift the focus to what I can do today?

2) If I have already done what I could do today, I try to catch my mind whenever it is racing with irrational thoughts or thoughts about future scenarios that haven't yet materialized.

3) During very difficult days when I cannot concentrate on work or on exercising, I revert to listening to Bhajans and bhakti songs whenever I find time.

I am not saying that this cures uncertainty but this has worked for me to some extent. Perhaps, it can only be dealt with based on changing circumstances. I am a flawed human being just like everyone else. So, I accept making mistakes in this journey.

Life becomes harder as we age. We shoulder more responsibilities, become more aware about our flaws and limits. But with that also comes the opportunity to be resilient and not throwing in the towel. I conclude here by saying that I am still in the middle of this journey of making peace with uncertainty and trying to not let it run my day today. Perhaps, after sometime when I will be in a better headspace, I would update you more.