Roots of Dissastifaction and Uncertainty

Human evolution has seen more technological advancement than biological advancement. It means our human brain is a lot slower to evolve than our technology. We still have an ancient mechanism and similar evolutionary instincts such as survival and reproduction since the start of humanity. However, civilization has evolved rapidly to where we are today in the world of social media and internet.

The ancient software running in our brains has still not seen any major update. When ancient humans lived in a hostile environment full of physical danger such animals, insects and natural calamities, their brains were wired for threat detection and for being hyper vigilant. A slight lapse in concentration could lead to immediate risk of life. Thus, the human brain always prepared itself for the worst outcome because assuming a positive outcome could become fatal. Consequently, humans developed cooperation within tribes and gathered materials for food, shelter and protecting oneself from the harsh climates. Accumulating stuff meant survival for a longer period. Complacency here, meant starvation, seclusion from group and ultimately, death. 

All our current behaviors could be traced back to our ancient past. Just the context of the behavior changes. Today we live in a far safer world than ancient people survived in. We have a nice cozy apartment, equipped with internet, tap water, air conditioner, heating (for colder regions) and cooking appliances. We do not face immediate or physical danger of the magnitude of our ancestors. Most of us have a very comfortable house, a loving family and a stable career. Then what is the root cause of dissatisfaction?

This leads us to what is called the "hedonic treadmill". It is the human tendency to return to a stable baseline of emotions after a major positive or negative change in life circumstances. For example, after finally getting a stable job with a decent salary, you already start thinking about buying a car or renting a bigger apartment. After renting a bigger apartment, the focus immediately shifts to upgrading the furniture or taking international vacations. While all this feels like progress, it also comes from dissatisfaction and the tendency to keep upgrading without feeling grateful for what we have today. This behavior can be traced back to the tendency of ancient humans to keep accumulating stuff. However, today we do not live in a hostile environment. Additionally, another reason for this behavior is social comparison which has today gone global (due to social media). We compare ourselves with someone sitting in a foreign country who has a completely different set of circumstances to us which leads to an unfair comparison.

Hedonic Treadmill also has some positive aspects to it though. It also allows you to return to your natural or stable baseline after a negative change such as the death of a parent or a bad breakup. In these unimaginably difficult circumstances, humans still find a way through, that they once thought they will never be able to. All this makes our existence so complicated and fascinating at the same time.

Uncertainty in our lives usually stems from a threat to our ancient instinct of survival. The future is always unpredictable but our brains hate unpredictability. Thus, we envision a certain kind of future which is always better than the present in theory. Unfortunately, now is the only moment in time that we can actually live.

How I look at it currently is that we need to consciously break free from the shackles of the imagined future and start treating our effort as success. For example, currently during my uncertain dating stage, I am consciously choosing to show up on dating apps, try to set up dates with potential people and enjoy those dates without thinking what will happen. If there is genuine chemistry with someone, I try to catch my mind when it is making future scenarios be it positive or negative. This gives me the chance to let myself flow and feel all the emotions that I am supposed to feel: the excitement, the adrenaline and the joy of meeting a new person and exploring compatibility alongside. If I do all this with honesty, I would treat it as success. Then, the outcome of the date or the future relationship with the particular person will start to have less effect on my mind. It is a very hard thing to do but I have always been a process oriented person and I am trying to inculcate the same mindset in the dating part of my life.

I have realized that my problem does not come from lack of options or lack of quality connections but a general dissatisfaction because of non-fulfillment of timelines that I have set for myself. As told earlier, life hardly follows a straight line path. For some people, it may follow a zig zag line; for others, it may look like a sine wave or a saw tooth wave. I also feel that this part of life is even more unpredictable than other parts of life. Imagine applying for a job, studying for an exam or setting financial goals. A huge part of these goals follows a very predictable trajectory which is controllable. Finding someone who has a similar mindset to build a life together is mostly luck or random sequence of events. The maximum you can do is, as noted earlier, put yourself out there in situations or places where you could meet similar people. However, you do not control who you meet exactly, their expectations and their willingness to choose you. In short, you do not control another person's free will.

I guess one positive thing I could take from this stage or aspect of my life currently is that it is teaching me the importance of letting go and to stop trying to control outcomes. I am learning it the hard way that luck takes it own time and can not always happen at the time that I may have imagined. Until luck arrives, I will keep focusing on the effort.