Importance of Physical Intimacy and how to cope with the lack of it

Physical intimacy is the feeling of touch and closeness which one gets with another human being. In this article, I am specifically referring to the intimacy one craves for in a romantic or sexual relationship, however, this term is very broad. One can also have a warm tight hug with a friend, and it can be one form of physical intimacy.

During one of the lectures from Jordan Peterson about the importance of touch in humans, an experiment showed that most of the orphan babies which had minimal to zero touch during their formative period died and the ones which survived had physical or emotional abnormality while growing up. The experiment showed evidence that physical touch was necessary, and it was a biological need. As humans it is inevitable to crave physical intimacy. People devoid of long-term intimacy tend to have negative emotions inside them. They tend to be isolated from the pack and prefer to stay alone. Conversely, some people feel lonely even when with a group.

There is an online forum for a group of men who call themselves “incels” (involuntarily celibate). These group of men blame women and the society for their lack of romantic or sexual success. I would like to call this group as outright misogynistic for the pessimistic approach they seek towards relationships and life in general. They assume that all the good-looking guys can get the women. They claim that they can do nothing to attract women and it is how the society governs.

I believe every guy is liked by one woman or another. Well, if you are not good looking then you will surely have to work hard to get women but then do you think that all good-looking guys are satisfied or happy? Yes, surely, they can get the physical intimacy occasionally but many of them are broke or have nothing to talk about apart from the number of women they have slept with. The problem with incels is that they are unmotivated depressed individuals who delve in activities such as drugs, alcohol, and video games to seek pleasure. They are unwilling to try and build something, or to work on themselves to become attractive and no one wants to be around self-pitying discouraging individuals let alone women. Obviously, there are women likewise who don’t want to work on themselves or build something, but the tough reality is that they have it easier in terms of seeking attention from guys. Most women will always have someone to go to when they feel low or devoid of romantic or sexual touch although they might not be the options they would necessarily like. On the contrary, many men go through long periods without physical touch or intimacy.

Every heterosexual guy craves intimacy with a woman he finds attractive. It is part of the way in which he bonds with a woman. Biologically stating, it is the release of the chemical oxytocin after sex which makes both men and women happy. It is also called the love drug. People who have slept with lesser number of people before marriage tend to have a happier marriage on an average in comparison with a higher body count individual. People with less body count would prefer to stay in long-term committed relationships.

With the lack of intimacy, however, people can feel a void inside themselves which is hard to fill. As days keep on piling, this void tends to get bigger due to the societal and peer pressure as well as a biological need. This gets to a point where it disturbs mental peace and disrupts your other aspects of life such as career and friendships.

If you grew up in an Eastern household, especially South Asia, the easy solution to lack of physical intimacy is tell your family to find a partner for marriage. This system is called arranged marriage. While it may not be effective all the time, but it is the way most people marry in traditional households. Western countries however don’t have this luxury and most people must find a suitable partner themselves. In Germany, by the time one is in university in their early 20s, most people find their partners in their friends’ group and stick to them. Obviously, it is the best way to find a person with common interests.

If you are not being able to get the intimacy you desire, the other way is to keep working on yourself. There are always some men that are not able to find a girlfriend or someone to sleep with. There are numerous reasons why they can’t however it doesn’t mean that there is something inherently wrong with them. Some of these men might be busy with other priorities and a relationship is the last thing they might want. Others may be trying a little too hard to get someone to sleep with them or seek a partner. Others might be too picky and may not want to settle with just anyone.

When I was in India, I was always used to be surrounded by people I loved and admired. I hung out with friends on weekends and used to spend a lot of time with my family or at work. After coming to Germany, leaving everything behind, I prepared myself for the hard grind. I had lived away from my family before, but this was something different. I felt a void in my heart I had not felt before. I realized I wanted someone very badly in my life. I became needy and felt powerless against my bodily needs and desires. It got to a point where my mind was always pre-occupied with endless thoughts. Seeing other young couples showing PDA, I felt envious. I desired that for myself. I started searching for ways on Quora and Google to get out of the mental rut. I found out that this is the best time to work on myself. When you are single, you have the freedom to try out new things by yourself. So, I lowered my expectations to find someone and instead, worked on my social skills. I didn’t want to blindly chase women and come up as desperate. I want a high-quality woman with her own dreams and desires and for that, I need to be the man she desires. The best part about a man is that he can develop himself mentally, physically, spiritually, and financially and lead the pack. He then can have more females to choose from. Every now and then, I still crave for intimacy, however, I changed my attitude. Work and study became the norm and solitude became my best friend. I knew I had signed up for this. This opened doors to unexplored avenues. I developed a few hobbies along the way and started to become a more competent and confident version of myself. In other words, I embraced my solitude and molded it into something productive. In no way, I have reached my best however I am trying.

I realize now that we need to build something of our own; something we are proud of. It could be getting your dream job at a multinational firm or travelling to several countries or getting admission into your dream college. When people intentionally go through pain and hardships in their lives to obtain something, they have every reason to be proud about that.

So, my kings, GO AND WORK ON SOMETHING AND MAKE IT WORK!

Then, see women come after you.